A blog is a bit like a diary before anyone is really looking at it. It makes me not want to share it. When things are feeling like you're very much in the middle of a struggle, that is when the story is most interesting, right? That's what you want to read. The conflict or struggle makes to story relate-able. There is something to fight for. To fight against. The persevere. Well, I'm going through it.
In May, I'll be two years at trying my hand being an entrepreneur. I'm not really making much money. I'm feeling the struggle right now. If I weren't being supported right now, it would be impossible to live day to day trying this. How do I make it click? Make it move? Connect people? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
No one who knows me personally would want to hear this. It makes us feel uncomfortable to be confronted by the daily struggles of our acquaintances instead of the pleasant nothings we comfort each other with in our public dialogues. But you, stranger, I hope it comforts you.
I've been recently working with reverse income in mind. In October, I made my own wedding dress. Now, I'm working on Christmas gift paintings, telling myself that they'll add to my commissions folder and another month without income will be fine because I am making handmade thoughtful and very valuable gifts. SIGH. I don't feel like I'm succeeding unless I'm contributing to the household income. I want it very, very badly.
With dwindling reserves to invest in show entry fees and advertisements, I'm feeling the pressure and stress of where to try and put myself out there with the highest possibility of exposure and return. I just read about putting an ad in a local paper or two as being usually remotely successful for portrait painters. I may try it. I still need to apply to the successful shows that I was in last year, but I must invest in a new e-z-up tent cover, as mine is ruined. It is not all roses, no matter my positive attitude in public.
I, and all other artists, hate the term starving artist. And so it is, that if you are not seen constantly to be positive and successful, hiding what is your struggle, you are susceptible to the label. I am not starving. I am struggling as an entrepreneur, not an artist. I am constantly working through new pieces and adding to my inventory. I struggle with marketing, confidence, introverted tendencies, and risk taking, not the actual artwork.
With the current state of fear here in the states of whether our entire world will be thrown off balance by a wild and uneducated new President-Elect, it's hard enough for me to pretend everything will be normal and the same in my future and to try and work in that world. In reality, I am going to have to adapt to making a living in the unpredictable chaos that will be our next four years. It's obviously going to be difficult to do.
It's been a hard day... but I did still paint in spite of it all. And so I will tomorrow.
-Abby
